Give Up on Love, Work it Out, or Move On

Since my last entry I have done a lot of thinking. I have attempted to answer specific questions the first being what do I want in a man? I have been able to answer that; however, while answering that I have moved into another issue that I have to face just like any girl when trying to move on finding the right man; I started looking at my past relationships that stand in the way of falling in love with another man. So I have been able to answer the original question, what do I want in a man? The answer is, I want a man that will love me for me, that will except me as I am. The man needs to understand that I can be serious at times, while other times I will be completely silly. I want a man that wants to spend time with me. Someone that will love my son as his own. Of course he has to love to snuggle up and watch a movie. The guy has to be someone that I trust. That can hold me and make me know that everything will be alright. The person will love me for who I am, it will not matter if I have make-up on, if my hair is done. He will love me for me; at my best but more so at my worst.

Now the paths crossed from what I want to moving past my "old" loves when I realized that the person that I want would be someone that I could not go without thinking about. Someone that I felt was completely worth the world. Someone that I would stand up against everyone to say that he is the one I am in love with; someone that just made me complete. I realized at that moment all of the things but one is a specific person. Of course, the one thing he did not portray was trust. He never earned the trust because it was something I gave him from the beginning. He never had to earn it. So I questioned him at times. Many times I was proven wrong, he was honest, I only had voices in my head.. Those voices came from the people around me telling me, be careful. What I learned was Bryan is the one that I am still in love with. I will not find another man to love if I am still in love with Bryan. I either have to give up on love, work it out with him, or move on. I do not have any other choice. I have to attempt to resolve this issue before I can truly move on with my life. I realized that I let other peoples opinions influence my decisions. I let the thoughts of others replay in my head until I no longer trusted someone that made me completely happy.

People that know Bryan's and mines past know that everything was solid except one thing within our relationship. The one thing is something that can be fixed. Trust is something that we can work on if we are both willing to make the relationship work. Love is patient and love does not keep a record of wrong doings. With that said, if I want love I have to be patient while determining if Bryan is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our hearts moved much faster than everyone and everything around us did. We have to be the ones to make our choices. We have to work on the relationship to make it what we want it to be.

When things get tough I cannot walk away. I get scared and think it is the easy way out. Just to walk away, no turning back. However, what I did not realize is that when I turned back the first time I had to give it a real chance. Without that, I will continue turning right back. This time I am turning back knowing what I want. I want the real deal. I want the same thing I wanted after the first night I met him. I met I guy that was honest. He told me everything. There were no lies. I became afraid because that is what I do. I think the worst. Luckily, I do not believe it was an accident finding him. I think someone had a hand in it, long before we ever knew. I think that God has kept us together. We have not continued talking through out the time of me knowing him; however, I think when our two hearts were joined, they have never really fell apart.

I think I have what I want right in front of me. However, I have been known to make mistakes in this department. I think what I need to do is take everything slow. I need to still set boundaries, prove my independence, and build trust. The biggest of all of these things is to build trust. I still believe that this is something worth fighting for. So I will take the necessary steps to attempt to work this out with him, to see what he wants, to see where this will take us, to see if this is my fairytale. Over the next few days, I will attempt to figure out all of my flaws when it comes to a relationship. I will then try to work through them to hope that I have everything necessary to make this work or fail, whichever it is supposed to be. I feel in the end God has his plan for us all. However, we have to use the tools provided to get there.

Finding Mr. Right

When you talk to so many different men and none seem to work you start to wonder what is the problem. Not what is wrong with me, but why does each of these guys always have a downfall to the point that a relationship just isn't worth it? I have high expectations in what I want from a man. However, in return I have a lot to give to a man. I have a lot going for me already. So why is it that I have so many issues finding a good man. It's not like I am on the search for a man. Granted ever since Bryan it seems that I have been talking to one guy after the other... Not really sure why that is. Part of me thinks it is I am attempting to fill the void that was left after Bryan. So after having the current guy act like a complete douche I have decided that I deserve better and will not stand idly by while treated this way. Did I open the door to him treating me like this?

I am curious are fairy tale's possible? Are they just in story books growing up? I believe that everyone has a chance at a fairy tale. They just have to be willing to write the pages and willing to stick it out until they find the right person. The person won't ride in on a white horse but the person should be everything they have ever wanted.

So this is my decision from these past six months. I am going to learn the issues that I have when dating and attempt to have all the proper tools to do allow the right man in my life and not all the Mr. Wrongs. I have a guy friend that is going to assist me in learning the tools that I need to ensure that I stop having men come and go from my life. So until then I will be a happy single woman.

The four things that I need to work on first are making boundaries, trust, showing my personal independence, and setting boundaries for sex. When I get in a relationship their are no set boundaries. I have to ensure that through communication we are both wanting the same things. If I want a relationship than I need to announce that. I can not assume we both want the same things. I am not looking for a fling, a friend with benefits, a booty call or even a weekend of fun. I am waiting on Mr. Right to come into my life to give me the chance at a relationship. The point of relationships is to find the person to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Long termly that is what I want. The boundaries for what I want have to be set by me; otherwise I will allowing him to walk over me. The man needs to understand that he cannot tell me what to do. That I am an independent woman and do not need a man. I support myself and my son with the assistance of nobody. If the man does not have the same interests of a relationship as I do or the same idea of what a relationship is for then I would be wasting my time to continue with him. This is my chance to take control of where the relationship is going.

I have always given trust to the person that I am talking to or dating. However, I have learned through these past six months that trust is something that has to be earned. Words are something that just slide out of people's mouths. The other person has to be willing to prove to me that their words are the truth, their actions will speak for their words.

I have to prove my personal independence toward the person that I am dating. I have so much going for myself. I have my associates degree. I am working on my bachelor's degree and will be finished with that be the end of the year. I work full time. I also am an Independent Sales Consultant for Scentsy. I am a mother to a son that has been raised by myself his entire life. I live on my own, I pay my own bills, and am not looking for anyone to do these things for me.

The hardest issue out of these four steps to building a good relationship is setting the boundaries for sex. In the past I have always just given this in my relationships. It was not something that was earned. This should be a prized possession of mine and I should not give this out to the men I am dating. Granted in the past year I have only been with one person; however, he did not earn the right to be with me in that manner. The person needs to understand that I have respect for myself; as do I. The person needs to respect me and not push me towards making a decision that I do not want to make. While my "mentor" believes that a good time period is three to six months. Granted I am not sure that I agree with this time frame. However, a time frame does have to be set at least for myself. The man has to understand that the time will be when I determine and that I will let him know when that time is there once he has earned the key to that step of the relationship. If the man pushes than he does not respect me or what I want.

Some other issues that need to be looked at are what I want in a man, asking the right questions, as well I will look at moving past the old relationships that stand in the way of love. I look forward to understanding relationships better so that I can hopefully find the right man for me. That will be an asset to my life as well as my sons.