Since my last entry I have done a lot of thinking. I have attempted to answer specific questions the first being what do I want in a man? I have been able to answer that; however, while answering that I have moved into another issue that I have to face just like any girl when trying to move on finding the right man; I started looking at my past relationships that stand in the way of falling in love with another man. So I have been able to answer the original question, what do I want in a man? The answer is, I want a man that will love me for me, that will except me as I am. The man needs to understand that I can be serious at times, while other times I will be completely silly. I want a man that wants to spend time with me. Someone that will love my son as his own. Of course he has to love to snuggle up and watch a movie. The guy has to be someone that I trust. That can hold me and make me know that everything will be alright. The person will love me for who I am, it will not matter if I have make-up on, if my hair is done. He will love me for me; at my best but more so at my worst.
Now the paths crossed from what I want to moving past my "old" loves when I realized that the person that I want would be someone that I could not go without thinking about. Someone that I felt was completely worth the world. Someone that I would stand up against everyone to say that he is the one I am in love with; someone that just made me complete. I realized at that moment all of the things but one is a specific person. Of course, the one thing he did not portray was trust. He never earned the trust because it was something I gave him from the beginning. He never had to earn it. So I questioned him at times. Many times I was proven wrong, he was honest, I only had voices in my head.. Those voices came from the people around me telling me, be careful. What I learned was Bryan is the one that I am still in love with. I will not find another man to love if I am still in love with Bryan. I either have to give up on love, work it out with him, or move on. I do not have any other choice. I have to attempt to resolve this issue before I can truly move on with my life. I realized that I let other peoples opinions influence my decisions. I let the thoughts of others replay in my head until I no longer trusted someone that made me completely happy.
People that know Bryan's and mines past know that everything was solid except one thing within our relationship. The one thing is something that can be fixed. Trust is something that we can work on if we are both willing to make the relationship work. Love is patient and love does not keep a record of wrong doings. With that said, if I want love I have to be patient while determining if Bryan is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our hearts moved much faster than everyone and everything around us did. We have to be the ones to make our choices. We have to work on the relationship to make it what we want it to be.
When things get tough I cannot walk away. I get scared and think it is the easy way out. Just to walk away, no turning back. However, what I did not realize is that when I turned back the first time I had to give it a real chance. Without that, I will continue turning right back. This time I am turning back knowing what I want. I want the real deal. I want the same thing I wanted after the first night I met him. I met I guy that was honest. He told me everything. There were no lies. I became afraid because that is what I do. I think the worst. Luckily, I do not believe it was an accident finding him. I think someone had a hand in it, long before we ever knew. I think that God has kept us together. We have not continued talking through out the time of me knowing him; however, I think when our two hearts were joined, they have never really fell apart.
I think I have what I want right in front of me. However, I have been known to make mistakes in this department. I think what I need to do is take everything slow. I need to still set boundaries, prove my independence, and build trust. The biggest of all of these things is to build trust. I still believe that this is something worth fighting for. So I will take the necessary steps to attempt to work this out with him, to see what he wants, to see where this will take us, to see if this is my fairytale. Over the next few days, I will attempt to figure out all of my flaws when it comes to a relationship. I will then try to work through them to hope that I have everything necessary to make this work or fail, whichever it is supposed to be. I feel in the end God has his plan for us all. However, we have to use the tools provided to get there.
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